Temporality (the state of existing within)

Realising it may be over. But is it truly?

My body was weak but still felt extremely heavy, although I had lost some 30 odd kilos. I was being prepped for my third (and last) operation. Stage-4 colon cancer.

While drifting off into an anaesthetic sleep, something very bright emerged. Strong and powerful. Like my core detaching from the vessel that was my body. I felt happy, realising that whatever this bright 'thing' was, it could not be touched. No cancer, no physician, nor any amount of pain could take this from me because this is me. I saw the team operating on me, knowing I was in good hands.

I drift off. Not to a bright light I read about. I float to the lake. Float, fly, teleport or whatever you may call it. I see people going about their business, working on their boats, walking their dogs, sitting on the grass enjoying the early spring sun. One elderly man on a bench, reading a newspaper. I can see a huge catfish at the bottom of the lake leaving a trail of muddy sand. Little silvery fish slithering through the water plants. Am I now alive in another dimension? I wonder. I do that a lot lately. Can anybody hear me? See me? Feel me? I am very much 'aware' like when your nerves are tingling, but I do no longer have nerves, no body to look down upon.

Awareness. Sunrise and night following in what seems like seconds; does time not exist in this dimension? I embrace my new state of being. Yes, being because that is what I feel like. Alive? I do not know. I search for other souls like me out here, but can not find one. A little girl, holding hands with her mother looks up at me. Can she actually see me?

Excruciating pain takes me back onto the operating table. While in recovery some time later the surgeon comes to me. They had recovered me from cardiac arrest, I had been dead for 3 minutes. And he tells me he has done all he could but the cancer has again metastasised to not only the remaining part of my colon as suspected but has also spread to many lymph nodes and liver. Why had they recovered me? Why? How come my partner had decided I would live, while I was exploring my new dimension?

Temporality. 'The state of existing within' is what I will experience some more.  Including the pain and the misery of having to be taken care of. My sole consolation is that I now know for certain that another life, or, dimension if you find this a better definition, exists. No doubt. I was there and will soon be again. 

Story by Léon (♱2019), words by Ardens Missus

Art by Yiannis Kaminis - Sea Spirit

Léon exercised his rights as a terminal cancer patient to assisted suicide shortly after he told me his story in the waiting room of an anthroposophical clinic in Basel where he was treated and I was searching for an alternative to prevent my cancer from coming back. He died in the early summer of 2019 assisted by Exit in Switzerland. 

#ArdensMissus #Mortality #Morality #SeaSpirit #Temporality #ForLeon #FuckCancer #Exit #MeaningOfLife #YiannisKaminis